i’m tired and the options are few.
I recently remembered that the original idea for this series of blog posts was to write it all out first and then schedule it to publish and share across social media after I stepped off world. Die, I was going to go die. Then it occurred to me that I could maybe get over myself and try asking for help. Maybe that’s all I had to do to fix my life. No harm in trying(sort of) and if it doesn’t work I still have the other option. So, I did ask for some help and emailed a few people. I didn’t ask more/enough because I was still trying to save face and cling to a dangerous ideal. So, I’m still sinking. To everyone who has already offered help, I am sorry for sabotaging the impact of your generosity. It did get me through April but now I’m behind on May with only $250 in my account and a maxed out credit card. Job fairs, job applications, and even entrepreneurial pursuits have yet to bear fruit. It made more sense to pour my limited amount of will and energy into those solutions rather than trying to secure some of the government’s paltry safety nets. But I’ll probably be applying for those too. I don’t have the time or bandwidth to go into how outright awful insurance companies are.
I think I have to ask for even more help and from a much larger audience. If I don’t do it soon and just keep hoping that a miracle happens some other way, then in 3-5 months I’ll be asking for help from complete strangers in front of the grocery store or at a highway exit ramp. And that help has far less impact potential. It won’t come to that though because I am deeply anti-camping and I don’t really even like being here that much. I’ve been struggling for decades to attain and maintain a happy, fulfilling life worth living. Then it’s as if someone deleted my saved game, the developers drastically changed the rules, and the control buttons have been assigned different actions. I am tired and bored of this. To me, the forever sleep is easily a better option than urban camping and incarceration. The people being kept homeless or detained have a stronger will to live than I do. (I don’t have the time or bandwidth to explain why I used the word “kept” and why I am right.) Ok, I’ve digressed a bit.
I think I have to or ought to… hm, i’m trying to stop shoulding myself. I think the next step is creating a post on FB or something to appeal to a wider audience of people. These people I know or know of to varying degrees with whom I mutually engage in distant life tracking without maintaining meaningful interaction or community. It feels awful to think of and I am psychically dry heaving. The only coping mechanism I have is the knowledge that people have done crowdfunding for far pettier things and I am trying to buy time and afford staying here.
How did I even get here? I’ve been reflecting on that question for months. You’d have to go read Chapters 1-12 to fully understand. But if you don’t care for that then the very short, somewhat technical description is that my “high masking” abilities and compensatory talents could no longer keep up with life demands. That both revealed and led to what is called “autistic burnout”. Add in some complex trauma with my deeply rooted drive for hyper independence and tah dah, here we are.
What now? If you can and if you want to, help. Please?
How? There are a few ways you can help. Send money. I have all the apps CashApp, PayPal, Venmo, & Zelle. I even set up a ko-fi.for some reason. Send food. Pay a bill. Hire me. Point me towards someone who is actually hiring external candidates and paying a living wage. Introduce me to a benefactor who will help me take a 2nd swing at replacing the school system.
And if I may ask for an additional favor, I know “beggars can’t be choosers” but please contain any sadness, expectations, & sorries at this time. I already have plenty that I’m drowning in. …i can’t even get to the clothes in my closet…