Because it seems the world wants me to actually say the words. (and i guess because “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” and “if you’re silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it”)
I need help.
I’ve wound up in a ditch that I cannot climb out of on my own. I don’t have the funds nor am I anticipating any income that would allow me to pay my bills and feed myself this month (April 2024).
So I’m asking you, the reader, if you would please help me out with a donation?
I realize that I’m probably asking a bit too late. I was playing chicken with my circumstances, hoping things would improve and I wouldn’t need to ask for help. At this point, I’m likely to encounter some late fees and penalties when my auto payments are rejected over the next 10 days. I need at least $2500 just to cover mortgage, utilities, car, insurances, minimum debt/loan payments, food, and gas..
I’m applying for jobs I think I’d actually be able to maintain. I of course have no control over when anything will manifest in that regard so I’m just doing what I can on my end. Even if I get called in for an interview tomorrow, hired, and start on Monday I’ll still be waiting a couple weeks before a payday. And that payday will still be too late to prevent penalties.
Please help.
I have CashApp, PayPal, Venmo, & Zelle. And I’ve set up a ko-fi.
It’s May 3rd. At the top of April I didn’t send this out to a lot of people. Certainly not as many people as I could have and maybe should have. I couldn’t overcome the complicated mixed feelings of shame, anxiety, embarrassment, hope, guilt, etc. You would think this wouldn’t be such a challenge since I already broke down and did a crowdfunding request back in 2022. Somehow I’m having to learn this lesson and struggle with this all over again. Last time I did at least have a job I was starting and just needed a bridge. So maybe I didn’t feel as much as a leech then. Or maybe last time I dissociated myself from it so much that I didn’t internalize the lesson? I don’t know…
Job applications haven’t taken off at all. Luckily I was offered a gig for April that really saved me. Initially I thought/hoped that would be all I needed and something would come about by now. I managed to squeeze out an interview through an alumni event but that bombed. It’s a role I am very qualified for but out of nowhere my anxiety spiked during the phone screening. That keeps happening. I think my desperation is sabotaging things. I think desperation and anxiety played a major role in my last job not going well, set off by weird office politics, social rules, and not knowing I needed work accommodations. With the applications and interviews not going well, it occurred to me that route might not be a viable option for me. So reluctantly I’m having to step into entrepreneurship and try to make that work. I’ve had numerous ideas over the years but this isn’t quite how I ever wanted to pursue them. I preferred to develop a side hustle gradually and organically without the pressure but now it’s my only option. I NEED it to work and to work quickly. I cannot afford failure because as I type and publish this the poverty tax is building up.
And I really hate this. I hate that I’m in this situation again, that I can’t figure it out or overcome it on my own. What if sincerely asking for help, communicating my needs, and forever abandoning this aspiration for hyper independence is the only thing keeping me from living a connected, fulfilling life? What would it mean to stop trying to prove how capable I am and how much of a burden I am not? I don’t know. I don’t know what that looks like nor how I’d define myself without it.
For now, having no other option, I am asking for help (again) and reluctantly failing to get my own coaching/tutoring/ business going again.