April Fool’s Day
Autism Awareness Month
Mental Health Awareness Month
13 Reasons Why (I didn’t watch this but I think it’s about a girl who writes a suicide note)
Despite my capacity for corniness (I just took a 10 minute detour reading people’s opinions about the difference between corny, cheesy, and camp.), publishing and publicly sharing this blog post was not intended to align with or reference these.
I’ve received a good amount of care & generosity from folks since sharing what’s going on. The checking in, donations, dropping by, and follow up calls have helped a lot. Though some people’s efforts have been a bit stressful for me to navigate, as I expected it might be, overall it’s been really good. I appreciate it a lot and struggle with how to adequately express my gratitude. It seems like just saying that or “thank you” isn’t enough. I suspect this thought comes from me feeling like I need to deserve, earn, or become worthy of the help. I know hat’s flawed thinking and my own pathology at work so I’m working on not giving that any power.
The day I posted for help led to 3 surreal days of dysregulation. As discussed already, I am not accustomed to this level of vulnerability or asking for help. I’m also not accustomed to receiving help and certainly not at this scale. It was hard to sit in that feeling and process that moment. It was uncomfortable as it highlighted my distorted beliefs, challenged my reality, and opposed my sense of who I am and who I want to be.
The immediate crisis was averted and a deep lesson was learned. For now, I can return to figuring my way out of this and attempting to fix my life.