If complex trauma does apply to my life, and if the research findings and reports around c-ptsd and autism are to be believed then I might be doomed. I might be dying.
I know we’re all moving towards that anyways but I think this complex trauma and chronic stress might be what’s going to take me out.
I’ve asked for some help from a few people I thought might be compassionate and assistive despite me not being in active reciprocal relationship or community with them. I’m trying to create and launch a little education coaching business. It has occurred to me that the amount of help I need is far greater than what a few people can maybe provide over a few weeks. Of course this business idea will take time to get going and incrementally grow to a point that feels good. But I’m not sure I can even make it to then. It’s more of a medium-long term solution that doesn’t address or help the problem I’m dealing with right now today.
And I know there’s other options than crowdfunding, trying to launch a business, or taking on gig work. Though just those 3 alone is taxing as fuck to switch between. I can’t manage to do it all.
I can’t work on appealing a disability denial, apply for unemployment, search and apply for appropriate jobs, tweak my resume and cover letter every time, apply for food stamps, contact all my utilities and lenders to ask for grace, build a coaching website, market myself, complete a side gig, be a decent friend to others, apply for grants and fellowships, feed myself good food, get good sleep, partake in something I actually enjoy each day, do therapy, and handle all the basic life shit …at the same time and by myself. I have tried. I am trying. It is not working and I don’t know why. I just feel worse each day. And my ability to put forth effort is dwindling.
I think I might be dying. I need more help than I can ask for or access on my own.