I recognize that I’m at a point in life where I’m gonna need to put in some effort and really work to get out of this rut. I realize that in asking for help from people they might have ideas, suggestions, or advice to offer. They’ll want to see me trying to help myself by following up on what they say.
I’m getting really anxious about that. I don’t have as much try in me as I use to nor as much is needed for this moment. My battery is depleted and my cup is empty. I do what I can each day but it’s no where near what seems necessary or effective.
I can’t really rest or enjoy things. Every distraction or leisurely activity is done while suppressing guilt and the pressure to do more to save myself.
I’ve been having more frequent migraines that last longer than they used to. They’re somewhat debilitating but I still have these expectations of myself that I can’t seem to meet. I don’t know how to recalibrate my expectations or judge myself more fairly because my imagination consistently outperforms reality.
This moment is so devoid of joy. Everything requires more effort than I can cobble together. When it all falls down it seems like it’ll still be all my fault. This is the sort of prolonged painful end I’ve always dreaded.
I never know how to communicate how seriously bad it is and how much help I need without it maybe seeming like a threat or ultimatum. I don’t want to create toxic situations and relationships with people and I refuse to be detained. So I stay quiet, deflect, underplay and hope a miracle happens.