I don't feel like/I am starting to doubt that I am able to consistently or predictably exert the amount of energy and effort that I perceive is necessary to pursue/attain/maintain a fulfilling life.
Though it fluctuates week to week, overall I feel less attentive, less motivated, more exhausted, and less capable. It seems like I've fallen so far away from my life trajectory that there is no previous progress or momentum that might be salvageable or useful for recovering. It feels like the gap between what I can conceptually do or have previously done and what I can actually do is broadening. In my most anxious moments I worry that I might be in some very early stage of dementia and that the rest of my life will be a downward spiral. That is something I don't want to experience. I don't know how to stop, fix, or solve this problem and I can feel myself approaching empty on having the energy or care to try.
I've tried so many things over this year and nothing is working. I haven't been able to secure income much less get to building a life worth living. I've been applying for jobs and have done all the tips and tricks I can. I've tried less ambitious roles I thought would be tolerable but couldn't manage after just a few days. Now I'm anxious about my ability to accurately judge my ability to do anything. I've completely tapped out my network with multiple rounds of crowdfunding. I've tried my local and county services and they were not good. If there does happen to be some solution out there that I have neither tried or considered, I feel pretty confident predicting that it is one I either financially cannot afford or one I cannot mentally/emotionally tolerate. It would be nice if I were wrong.
I found this writing from autistic author Devon Price about burn out and there are some snippets that I find perfectly describe my experience right now:
"energy depletion, increased mental distance, and a reduced sense of personal agency."
"detached from other people and no longer in control of their lives, in other words."
"exhaustion, a reduced sense of accomplishment, and depersonalization (a lost sense of self, or a sense of disconnection from one’s own life). They can no longer feel internally rewarded by what work they do complete, and may lose touch with the values that once mattered to them and drove them to do pursue work in the first place."
Through therapy and reflection I've learned that the statements in the excerpts below are true about myself.
"...ignored stress symptoms for several years,” he writes. “Living a stressful life was a normal condition for them. Some were not even aware of the stressfulness of their lives, until they collapsed.
Instead of seeking help for workplace problems or reducing their workload, as most people do, clinical burnout sufferers typically push themselves through unpleasant circumstances and avoid asking for help. They’re also less likely to give up when placed under frustrating circumstances, instead throttling the gas in hopes that their problems can be fixed with extra effort. They become hyperactive, unable to rest or enjoy holidays, their bodies wired to treat work as the solution to every problem. It is only after living at this unrelenting pace for years that they tumble into severe burnout.
...in denial about the extent of their need, consumed with a self-hatred, always concealing their true feelings, incapable of trusting others to help them, and desperate to fawn, camouflage, and compensate their way to temporary social acceptance.
...the people most likely to reach catastrophic, body-breaking levels of burnout are the people most primed to ignore their own physical boundaries for as long as possible. Clinical burnout sufferers work far past the point that virtually anyone else would ask for help, take a break, or stop caring about their work."
The problem is that knowing better doesn’t seem to equal doing better. I don't know how to stop but also don't see how I can stop. This iminent problem still hasn't been solved. I haven't been able to really enjoy life because my basic needs aren't being consistently met. I can't consistently meet those needs because I have failed to secure a sustainable means of income. All this effort has exhausted me. The buildup of exhaustion and stress has gutted my motivation. My problems are compounding.
By the time I realized and could accept that I am someone who would require accommodations, it was too late. For most of my life I've very deeply identified as an intelligent, creative, and highly capable problem solver. And now, I am seriously considering and wrestling with the notion that despite what I want or believe about myself, I might actually have to go on SSDI. It is so fundamentally the antithesis of who I want to be. It's something I've been subconsciously fighting against my entire life and it might be my only remaining option. Even if I can accept this, I am nervous that this too will be a lesson learned far too late. I am anxious about the effort it will take to complete the application and put together a solid case for myself. I am weary of the time and energy it will take to get assessed, be denied, and appeal the decision. I am dreading the fact that even if I did get approved, the calculation of my benefits will still come to a sum that is far below what could actually be helpful. I am afraid that after all that, I will still just be cast into worthlessness and doomed to struggle in poverty forever.
And I resent being told to “keep hanging on” or to “hang in there”. I’m actually already doing that. Think about the TV or movie scenes where someone shouts that to someone else that’s dangling several feet in the air. The person hanging on isn’t usually choosing to slip or lose their grip. The muscle fatigue is happening to them and it is beyond their control in that moment.
What they could’ve done better, how they should’ve prepared or could have avoided this altogether is useless information in that moment. You can learn from a crisis but I don’t think you can learn much of anything during one.