a bit of an angry rant & choppy tangent
The conversation about camouflaging neurodivergence is complicated. The concept and understanding of it is still young in the minds of the public. The language is still developing. Most people specifically say masking even though masking is only one component of it. It’s often described as if it’s this deceptive behavior tactic that’s deliberately employed to specifically hide your autistic traits so you can blend in with everyone else. I’m not saying that’s the definition or the meaning of it, that’s just how it’s talked about. But “high masking” people aren’t body snatchers or skrulls. There’s no deception or imminent takeover. In most cases, high masking people don’t even know they’re on the spectrum. They aren’t knowingly disguising some behavior that would flag them as autistic.
What seems to happen, and is true for me, is that at some point they learn that the behavior is unacceptable in their environments. They realize they need to suppress it and with some effort they manage to do so well enough to get by. Nevermind that the desire, impulse, or need to do it is still there. Nevermind that they are now diverting a significant amount of mental and emotional energy to regulating themselves and consequently much less to the task at hand. As long as they aren’t annoying others or being perceptibly odd then it’s fine. But because of this strain, you get tired sooner than others seem to. And if after running out of fuel, you need to contribute even more effort to the goal, then your ability to suppress or control your behavior is pushed to the edge. Maybe you run the risk of doing the thing you know you’re not supposed to do. It’s unlikely though. You’ve gotten this far so you’re not going to stop now. No, you’re more likely to just take damage and your performance is significantly impacted.
This experience, I think, resembles some iterations and applications of applied behavior analysis. It is a heated and controversial subject in Autism spaces. Many people with first hand experience consider it abusive while others say the interventions have been really helpful. I’m not inclined to make some black and white conclusion about it here. I’m only referring to the ways in which it’s used to teach (or force) compliance.
But maybe you don’t learn from your environment that your behavior is bad. In some cases you don’t know how to behave at all. Maybe you don’t have a default behavior or maybe it’s just much more amenable. So you approach any new environment cautiously watching and listening to others, noticing their behavior patterns, and learning the culture of the group. You use your observations to figure out and compose who you’re supposed to be or who it’s okay to be in this setting. The problem here is that people and group dynamics naturally change over time. It happens in subtle ways at imperceptible increments. The original data you used to create your script will slowly become out of sync. By the time you realize you need to update your material, it’ll be too late and folks will likely grow tired of you. Alternatively you may be the type who’s always updating the script but in sloppier, more heavy handed ways where you just come off as a copycat, follower, or yes man.
Some manifestations of Autism and ADHD might be more subdued or internalized, so they’re less disruptive and thus not as noticeable to others.
Some people don’t need expensive compliance lessons at a specialized facility. Some people can learn to comply right at home and in their public school. It’s all this gentle parenting that’s going on that’s giving rise to these kids with all these adhds and spectrums and behavior issues. Some of these kids just need a good ass whooping and we wouldn’t have any problems (that we can outwardly perceive). Sarcasm aside, high masking folks seem to be autistics who could figure out how to comply well enough on their own that they never trigger any alarms.
High masking people happen when there’s an autistic person who has the capacity to rapidly make these mental calculations, exert some control over the behaviors they are inclined towards, and most importantly is in an environment that punishes or discourages those behaviors.
So much of how we understand and talk about all this is only from the perspective of how it appears to and bothers others. We’re still very inadequate at understanding and speaking to the internal experience. If you’re an adult who learned to comply and flew under the radar all your life, though a critical burn out may reveal some of the truth, you still can’t tell the difference between matters of camouflaging and things like basic self control, stepping outside your comfort zone to challenge yourself, or being decently considerate of those you’re around.
And that brings me to ableism, specifically internalized ableism.
Not everyone on the spectrum who is capable of camouflaging actually grows up being compelled to do so. Some people are supported, encouraged, enabled, and get successful in their autism while others must camouflage it like their life depends on it, because it does. I feel bitter and resentful when I think about it.
The behaviors I now realize might be me camouflaging, are things I thought at the time were what good, admirable, virtuous, prosocial, and mature people did. I calculated it all as keeping composure, delaying gratification, and sacrificing for the future and for success. I am guilty of projecting this expectation and consequent judgement on others. It makes me angry when people whine about temporary discomforts, get aggressive about their preferences, impose on the group, and generally take up too much space. I am putting in so much effort and giving up so much while others have the audacity to be pushy or bratty about the slightest shit that doesn’t matter. That I’ve spent so much of life conforming and complying but still not come out on top… fucking furious.
It makes sense why I relate to the Hulk scene so much. And it makes this Mystique & Magneto scene even more meaningful.
ugh… I’m such a deeply angry person
Later this day I stumbled upon this twitter thread and resources that resonated and seemed relevant to this subject.