I carry a large incalculable amount of resentment towards neurodivergent whites. I wonder if that is something I will always have to deal with.
To speak plainly, when you take the unique flavor of audacity and entitlement that white people seem to have, plus their low tolerance for inconvenience or discomfort, add in their predilection for colonization, mix in the peculiarity and special needs of an adhd-autistic, finished off with a generous glaze of anti-blackness, then you get something that I, as a Black man in the USA, can only describe as the perfect recipe for a life of buck breaking experiences.
Let me explain.
There’s a pattern of behaviors that some autistics and adhd folks pick up that can make their neurodivergence less apparent or at least seem less extreme to those around them. It’s called camouflaging and it ranges in how much effort and intention it takes to do. Sometimes it’s formally taught. Sometimes it’s how your environment and experiences condition you. Sometimes you choose to learn it. For some it might be automatic while others might decide to turn it on and off. Some know they’re doing it and some do not. Feel free to read more about it here.
What’s important to know is that it takes up energy to do it. It’s energy that you probably wish you could allocate to other, more important things. And though you can get a little better at doing it, I wouldn’t describe it as a muscle that can keep getting stronger the more you exercise it. If anything, you might be able to tweak your fuel efficiency but there’s an upper limit. And still, that upper limit and your rate of usage will fluctuate. Even your ability to harness the energy to camouflage is delicate. The effort to camouflage eats away at your ability to do the task at hand.
So, it’s much harder for you to accomplish things that others seem to be doing easily without as much fatigue. But you actually don’t have to camouflage. You could just live and operate as your full and complete autistic self. There might be consequences though. There likely will be. Even if you’re already getting therapy and coaching, many of the manifestations of your neurotype are inconvenient if not offensive and uncomfortable to the sensibilities of others. Your unmitigated neurotype can be detrimental to your success in life. You might go further if you hid it just a little bit sometimes.
Not every adhd-autistic has the ability to adequately or meaningfully camouflage. Some just don’t ever feel the pressure to. Some are in environments that will serve and support them just how they are. Some lucky people have been able to monetize their neurodivergence into creative careers. Some people can use their diagnosis to avoid accountability for and justify bad behavior.
If you’re an adhd-autistic Black boy that just can’t camouflage well, your parents' only other option is to shelter you from the world. Black boys and men violently lose their lives and livelihoods if they cannot adequately camouflage.
Fun facts. There’s ample research showing the negative health outcomes for those that engage in masking and such. Anxiety, depression, addiction, and suicide being the major players. Autistics are typically un/underemployed. I think comparing or ranking suicide rates is the weirdest thing so I’m not listing that.
The point is, whether a Black man camouflages his neurodivergence or not, it just seems he’s deciding whether to die soon or die painfully slow. Seeing the shit white autistics are able to get away with and the “freedom” (from accountability) they can achieve by unmasking is just… y’know I’d actually prefer to be physically slapped in the face than whatever this emotion is.
But I don’t hate white people. Most white people are just varying degrees of annoying. A few are just amusing oddities, almost like toddlers. Like a good Christian, I love the sinner and hate the sin. And the sin I hate is whiteness.
Epilogue
“What about ableism? You should hate that too. Why don’t you critically engage wit…”
“Shut up, bitch.” - Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
“Mista when you from skidrow” Blackness is a disability.
Roll credits.