When I was especially unwell, I would think about how much an impact a slight & sudden jerk of the steering wheel could have. It’d be a quick thing, just the simplest little action that could end it all. Heck, merely thinking about it too hard could result in an involuntary twitch.
Life is fragile.
I was becoming a bit compulsive about it. Couldn’t stop thinking about ways the world could take me out or less violent ways a person could take themselves out. Creative stuff though. Not the usual gun, rope, or bridge stuff. Too violent. Those people were basic.
If anything, I always thought of myself as weak for not wanting or willing to do the deed myself. Wanted someone else or the world to swing the axe.
I probably don’t have the right amount of drive for self preservation.
When I was mega depressed I would wonder, what would be the smoothest way to do it Something that wouldn’t be painful. Something simple and mild. Nothing too messy. I was considerate, not wanting to make too much work for the clean up crew when I was found, if my body would be found. I realized that it’d probably be several weeks before anyone found me just because who was checking for your boy? There was no one expecting to see me on a regular basis. (Not true, I had a job but they'd simply write me off as a no call no show.)
Come to think of it, I was very considerate about the whole ordeal. I knew that the labor of life didn’t stop at death. Something must be done with the body, with the possessions. I’d have to make arrangements so all of that would have less of a tax on my family.
I was also concerned with success rate. I'm not an attention seeker like that so I wasn't going to go for some spectacle with the opportunity for someone to stop me. I also didn’t want to be like those other poor souls who 1) failed and 2) would have to live out their already miserable life embarrassed that they tried and failed, paralyzed, with brain damage, scarred faces, lost limbs, speech impediment, digestive issues, impotent… nope. I needed to be an overachiever.
The whole process was getting really complicated. I had too many standards for ending my life. There were so many logistics to handle. It was tiring to think about and I would think about it often.