I was in college. I loved her profoundly but couldn’t manage to express it. I would come to find out that we had some mental health things in common so I felt even more compelled towards her. My intensity was not reciprocated and that made it very unbalanced. Unrequited love, we all know that story. But, I was not easily deterred. I would take the attention I could get, when I could get it. If you know anything about reward schedules, then you know this was not great. Over time I became a little codependent or maybe just obsessed. Maybe it was limerence all along. I don’t know. All the R&B I grew up listening to took on a whole new meaning. This is what Luther Vandross was singing about! It was intoxicating to be around her. The experience really opened me up, like to the world. I hadn’t ever cared so much about the wellbeing of another person before outside of my nuclear family.
At some point, I had convinced myself that if I truly took the space that was appropriate then something horrible could happen. I was afraid of stopping. I really thought I could do something, was doing something . Maybe I could save her like I thought I had done before.
There was a real person that I cared for and couldn’t stop worrying about despite knowing in my mind that I couldn’t “save” her. And then there’s all the ideals, fears and insecurities that I projected onto her. What she symbolized for me was far more than what she could ever be in reality. For years I struggled with wanting to be a loyal, supportive friend while also struggling to drown my romantic motivations. Over and over I would take space, then fear the consequences of me not "being there", try to be a friend, be disappointed in the lack of reciprocity, take space again...
I guess I was obsessed. The cycles were unhealthy. I was stuck in my own mind and sometimes lost a sense of reality. She was my mission. Success meant that I was valuable. Failure would be devastating. It would be my fault. ...
The lesson here is that I have value even if I'm not saving the world or someone. And I don’t need a beautiful woman to validate my worth. It would just be really great. So, I remain open to it. ;-)
"You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help." - Laurell K. Hamilton (original context disregarded)